Weight Loss Stories: Shame

Photo Credit: Ismael Sánchez

Suddenly her dry mouth and pounding head reminded her. The sleeping boy next to her served as another reminder of where she was and why.  Then the aching in her heart started.  "What is wrong with me?"

Trying to figure out what to do next, she stumbled out of bed, nearly tripping on her sprawling clothes and shoes.  She made it to the grimy bathroom, avoiding the mirror, and drank the water straight from the sink.  "I have to stop this. I don't even know what that guy's name is."  

After getting dressed and sneaking out of the bedroom, she felt a little better.  I mean, seeing the people blanketed across the living room sleeping off a some drug-induced coma made her realize she was not nearly as bad as they were.  "Now where are my keys......where is my car?"  She stood for a moment looking around.  Lost.  Just completely lost.  Then she spied her purse near the couch, and without waking anyone she was able to retrieve it.  She managed the obstacle course of bottles and bodies, and headed out the front door.  

Bright.  Ughhh.  So bright.  And still....no car.  And then she remembered more.  She remembered her car at another house.  In another neighborhood.  "Shit."  And then the long walk.  Past the man mowing his lawn, the old woman drinking coffee on her front porch.  The boring people who were burning judgmental holes through her with their sideways glances.  A few more blocks.  More of the same.  So hot.  So thirsty.  Such a terrible headache.  Such a longing ache inside.  "Nope.  None of that."

She could see her car in the distance when she noticed them.  Those innocent little kids playing on the front lawn.  Girls sharing secrets, boys playing tag.  Dolls and dirt.  She stopped and stared awkwardly, something tugging at her insides.  Memories of that innocence.  Just gone.  "What happened?"  She kept going when a concerned mother came out and gathered her children inside for safety from this stranger.  "I need to stop acting like a freak."

Getting her car door opened finally, she sighed heavily as her head rested on the seat.  She closed her eyes, thinking through the previous night.  Flashes of images sparked in her brain.  Pretty bottles, groping boys, and meaningless kisses.  Echoes of heavy breath, fake laughter, and lying words. The longing ache roared, and she opened her eyes and started the car.