The Skinny Bag

On a cruise last summer

When I quit teaching last year, one of my main goals was my health. Or at least that’s what I called it. Man, I’ve got the best speech about how it’s all about being strong as I get older and how health is really the key. But really, I wanted to be skinny. I thought that once I had let go of the stress from my job and could really commit to the gym everyday, I would be skinny in a few months. No. I thought...I’ll give myself until Christmas. A little breathing room. What happened instead is that I gained about 5 pounds, putting me at the highest weight I’d ever been. The doctors just sort of laughed about it and talked about how I was “getting to that age.” Well, that lit my redheaded fury on fire. I see other women my age who are skinny (you have to say the word healthy or fit out loud, but inside, it’s the word skinny). Why can’t I be like that? What are they doing that I’m not? I was in the gym pretty much five days a week, taking challenging classes and really pushing myself. Pushing myself to a sore shoulder and knee, and still gaining weight. So frustrating.

I can’t say this struggle was one of the bags in my Red Sea painting. I didn’t have this issue at that age. I could gain or lose 10-15 pounds easily at that time with almost no effort. But now? I’ve really picked up this bag. And it’s heavy. I mean, I’ve been thinking about this weight loss topic a lot lately. The idea that the weight we carry comes from somewhere other than bags of chips and chocolate cake. It comes from inside us. And many times even skinny girls are carrying heavy weight. I just keep looking around and listening to conversations, and I can really see. So much weight is being piled on shoulders--well, we’re oftentimes piling it on ourselves, but it’s there. It’s heavy, and it looks different on everyone. That’s what made me want to write this. I mean, I'm certainly no expert, but I feel like Hector and I have sort of figured out how to find some freedom and simplicity in life. I thought about this and felt so thankful and accomplished as we returned home from our most recent trip.... 

NYC this summer

...And then we started looking through some pictures of that trip, and I caught myself securing the straps on my heavy invisible Skinny Bag. I was blowing up every picture to look at my stomach and back. Does my fat show? Do I look skinny in this picture? Should I ever wear that outfit again? Oh, I need to make sure I don’t sit like that because of how it makes me look.

Nevermind the beautiful backgrounds and wonderful smiles. Nevermind the pictures of Hector and I together sharing a wonderfully romantic time.

Nope. I wasn’t looking at any of that. Just evidence of fat. And then this morning, I did what I always do. My hands went straight to my stomach, feeling for the answer to the morning question, “is it worse or better than yesterday?” A quick look in the mirror told me it was the same. The scale told me it was the same. I guess that’s better than worse. Nevermind the fact that I have actually lost twenty pounds since that weight gain last summer. Nevermind the fact that I woke up in a beautiful home with a whole day ahead of me, free to do what I choose. Nevermind any of that. It’s just about the fat and the skinny of it all. This weight consumes me, even when I feel as if I've reached some peaceful epiphany. And I don’t think I’m alone.

Am I?

That would be embarrassing.

But I’m pretty sure I’m not.

Exploring the topic of weight loss is something I need and something I’m totally curious about. Something I’m starting to see and notice everywhere. And I think that maybe if I’m honest about my journey, maybe that helps other people. And also, I tend to discount all the things that Red Sea Jill did to even get her toes in that sand.

Red Sea Jill and her littles

Today Jill in NYC this summer

That girl was balled up on the couch ready to end her life. Drowning in pools much shallower than the giant sea in front of her on that day. She was shackled to a life of poverty and abuse. Of lies and self-hatred. Somehow, that brave soul was able to unfurl herself, stand up, gather those babies, and get the hell out of there. Not all at once, but step by step. Breath by breath. And standing up off that couch with the amount of weight strapped to her body was tough, but somehow that girl turned into Today Jill. And that girl is free. Well, free-er. She is more herself. More aware of the truth. And more able to actively love herself. But she is twenty pounds heavier. On the outside.  In reality, she’s a thousand pounds lighter, and doing a lot of dancing through life. 

Hector and I in NYC this summer

So, here we are, and what I’d like to recognize is how easy it is to carry weight through life. Everyone carries something, but I think it helps to remember that we really can make progress and create lightness in our lives without fully reaching where we intend to be and figuring it all out. Anyone who says they’ve totally figured it all out is a complete liar, so I'll just go ahead and admit that I really don’t even know what to do with this heavy weight on my shoulders, but writers tend to write what they need, so...I think what I’ll do is write my way through it, and maybe if you’re reading, you can find your biggest bag and work through it with me. Let’s dig our toes into that sand and keep exploring our way to freedom.